Portrait of Insomnia

The Sounds of High School (WIP)

2009-10-04T19:12:00.002-05:00

Just found this poem (or start of a poem) in my English notebook from last year while cleaning my room. Maybe if I post it it'll make me finish it (at another date). Constructive Criticism is appreciated.

The Sounds of High School

Murmers across the classroom
Screaming in the hall
Fingers pattering on a keyboard
Bat making contact with the ball
Actors rehearsing lines
Teachers pleading for attention
Flutist's beautiful chords
Idiots earning suspensions
Whispering test answers
Announcements overhead
Secondhand grows louder
Students sleeping as if dead

One Capital 'T' Tradition will Always Hold True

2009-08-16T21:09:00.002-05:00

Every year on the first day I post a breakdown of what I think of every class, teacher, and yada yada yada. Well, I may be a little late on the uptake, but I must stay true to one tradition that I love.

1st - AP Senior English - I can tell that I will love this class. The teacher reminds me exactly of my teacher last year in the sense that I completely get his sense of humor (dry and awesome). Plus, they're just ridiculously alike period, but they're buddies so that kind of explains it. I love, love, LOVE having an idea of what the entire year looks like with the best syllabus ever. The only downside is that there's a lot of the party-girls in that class and it will get old... fast. Already has. Won't be hard to get past it though, I'm sure.

2nd - AP Chemistry - What a different personality here as far as teachers go. First off, he's Russian, which I just think is cool. Second, he is so incredibly geeky and just downright awesome. He made continuous Chemistry jokes which left me cracking up partially because of the way he reacts to his own jokes, but mainly because I genuinely love them [his jokes]. The class itself should be quite interesting. First class I've had with John, ever, and I have it with Megan and Kevin too. We'll see.

3rd - AP Government - I have no words. I cannot wait for this class to really kick off. We got our debate teams and ours is PERFECT. It's John, DJ, Bong and myself, and we've got a great array of debate topics and moot court debates chosen. We're approaching this in the best way and we're all incredibly excited. Doesn't get much better. Plus, the teacher is obviously so passionate about his subject, which makes it all even better. Back to the sense of humor bit, this teacher's is also completely different from the other two, but I still love it.

4th - A+ Tutoring - Yeah, it's pretty much my off hour.

5th - AP Spanish 4 - Mildly concerned about the insanity that will ensue. Like the teacher (had her for the last two years) but this is the first time she's had a full class of Spanish 4 students so she's determined to "work us into the ground". Great... It'll be quite the learning experience though.

6th - AP Statistics - The teacher is not that much older than us actually, graduating from the same school in 2000. He's a nice guy and everything, but I'm not that fond of talking about who is on the sports roster for football this year (esp. since it's all athletes in that hour). I just have a feeling it will be a lot less rigorous than it's supposed to.

7th - Honors General Psychology - Well, the like teacher is like the Varsity like Cheerleading coach and she like soooo totally loves to act like she is still in like high school or like...something. No, but seriously, she does know her stuff, she just doesn't seem to know how to focus long enough to convey that. She highly enjoys giving relationship advice though...

What else is new? OH! Tennis. I may or may not be first singles. If I'm not first, I'm second. Words cannot explain how excited I am.

Oh, and I'm on my new laptop. Still haven't processed that actually.

Summer Bliss

2009-07-11T13:00:00.002-05:00

God bless the Summer. This Summer especially.

I just got back from a workshop at Mizzou for Editor-in-Chief training. I am on an extreme Journalism high which is just what I need considering I don't technically get to be Editor since it was either AP Government or Newspaper first semester. I've waited too long to take Gov to give it up for something I can still do without the title.

My 45 hour weeks seem to have come to a halt. I can't say that I'll miss them, but I will miss the paycheck. He's got me on 20 hours this week, which I should be able to stretch to about 30. Evidently it's bad when you not only know the prices (with tax) of everything in the story, but you start finding it fun to figure out the total of multiple items with some quick adding in your head, all while making sandwiches (I do drive thru).

I've had some great nights with John. Last night, for instance, we were sitting on the swings and he asked why I was still looking at other school if I was so dead-set on UChicago. Good question. My five-year plan of becoming a Lawyer (more specifically, a Medical Lawyer) has kind of thrown me for a loop this Summer. I would LOVE to pursue journalism and work as an Editor or Designer (or Layout & Design editor) for a Magazine like Time or Newsweek. I would LOVE to become an Advertisement Designer, which seems like such a non-lucrative career (in the sense of job availability) unless you have connections. My Uncle is the Director of Studio 111 which is an industrial design studio in Chicago. Hello, connection. All in all, that has me thinking.

I got my senior pictures taken, which is a relief. I had to pay for them, which was unfortunate because for the life of me I cannot maintain a steady balance in my savings account. I understand that my Mom can't afford to help me out with that kind of stuff, but one thing I really do need her to help me invest in are glasses. God do I need glasses.

Alright, I'm off to work here soon. It feels good to blog again. Twitter has sort of taken over my interests. By the way, my twitter account is: http://twitter.com/workaholic1231

Bliss

2009-05-22T12:48:00.003-05:00

I am a senior. I have one more year of high school. I have one more year before the rest of my life truly begins. I'm not repeating myself or speaking in fragments because my mind is boggled, I'm just so incredibly overjoyed by this that I feel the need to over-dramatize it.

I have the most amazing schedule ever next year too, which just adds to my excitement.
1st - AP Senior Advanced English (awesome teacher)
2nd - AP Chemistry (awesome teacher)
3rd - AP Government (awesome teacher)
4th - Newspaper (awesome teacher)
5th - AP Spanish IV (pretty good teacher)
6th - AP Statistics (so-so teacher)
7th (S1) - Honors General Psychology (...she is a teacher)
7th (S2) - Acting 1 (brilliant guy, no idea about his teaching)

I'm so ecstatic (in case I haven't used enough words similar to that yet).

I am buying my books already for English, I have a textbook for independent study in stat., I have already talked to my Gov teacher about getting stuff to study, and my AP Chem teacher has already given a huge summer homework packet.

Quick Poem

2009-04-27T16:14:00.001-05:00

I can't seem to write a new e-mail so I'm going to post this poem I wrote in English today on here so I can grab it when I get home.
____________________________________

All in a Week's Work

On Monday I am lost
In Saturday’s events
Replaying those moments
Over and over again

On Tuesday I am preparing
Sitting down and looking
At what needs to be done
And how to do it

On Wednesday I am longing
For Friday afternoon
Finally leaving school
And potentially getting sleep

On Thursday I am stressing
About what hasn’t gotten
Done from Tuesday’s list
Yet still I work

On Friday the other days
Don’t seem quite so bad
And when the evening comes
The past week is erased from my mind

On Saturday I am constructive
Turning a few hours into
Something that will make
The next week worthwhile

On Sunday I am resting
When I’m not at work I guess
I do on the last minute work
And look ahead at the coming week

Rest and Reconciliation

2009-03-28T18:57:00.004-05:00

I just got back from my first retreat out in Dittmer, MO for my RCIA group, and needless to say, I have a lot of things that I'm dying to talk about. I have so many emotions, so many questions, and so many thoughts, and all of them are just begging to be released. Guess I'll start from the beginning, so you better get comfy...

We met at church to carpool, and it was just those of us who were getting baptized, communion, and confirmation, plus the group leaders. Well, I rode down there with one of the group leaders, Debbie, who is a sweet, middle-age woman who is incredibly bubbly and genuinely wants to hear what you have to say (kind of like Gatsby when he's not high on Daisy... Oh, Miss D would be proud). Anyways, she asked me all about my faith and I blurted out about my terrible 2008, and how I doubt so many things (though I didn't really go into detail there) and how I don't like being told that if you believe in abortion or homosexuality that you're not Catholic, point blank. She was a very good listener, but I soon learned that she's really set in her ways about some things, so I didn't go into full detail about how I don't really like Catholic Dogma either.

So we get there and it's this beautiful little cottage/ranch house down this long, windy road with gorgeous woods on either side (Website: http://www.il-ritiro.org/). There's another house about 5 yards behind the main one, and two more buildings that were off in the distance: a chapel and a conference room-house. The dining building was further down the road. When we walked in, it was the most homely place I have ever encountered. Paul (the leader of the pack) welcomed us and said that we each had our own rooms that we could pick, and the main house had seven bedrooms, 3 baths, while the "bunk house" (the house out back) had 5 bedrooms, 3 baths. Then we split-up, and picked out rooms. Mine was right off the kitchen of the main house, and it had two beds, a recliner, and everything else that any room would have. It really reminded me of Grandma Harriett's house that I grew up in.

We went back out after we got settled and then we talked about what we were going to be doing that night, but they started by telling us that we were to take one of the candles that were in the middle of the table and decorate them. We'd be taking them with us to chapel and they were also like our own memorabealia(sp?). Well, one of the things that they said we'd be doing that I was NOT anticipating at all was reconciliation (confession).

Me, a Catholic who wasn't sure if I wanted to continue being Catholic, was going to have to sit in front of a Catholic priest and confess my sins. Where was I going to start?!

So we sat and talked for a while about that and just what we were feeling, and then we were off to the chapel (about 8 p.m., so it was dark).

One thing you have to understand is that the priest, Father Joe, that was with us is probably mid twenties, so he's not the most experienced guy. He's also very liberal, which sets a lot of people off (though I like that). He also (and here's where I have always had problems) frequently sits in the back of class text messaging on his phone all two hours. So I have never had the highest amount of respect for this guy, but last night changed things.

I was fourth to get reconciled, and it was set up where the person and the priest sat in chairs in the front of the chapel (a room that was maybe 15x15 feet) with the rest of us waiting in the foyer. Music was on (very loudly) so that we couldn't hear the conversations. I would look over now and again at the person who was with him. One woman and two men went ahead of me. All three walked away in tears. What was I doing there??

I sat there in that chair for those good 20-30 minutes before my turn just trying to piece together what I wanted to say. "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..." 'Maybe I could just go into how I stress and let school run my life and how I am angry and how I...' yeah, it went on (and on and on). I thought I had it all planned out though. Then I knew I was next; something drew me to be next. So I get up, walk over to where Fr. Joe was sitting, and I start...

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned... I blame my Mom. Everything that has gone wrong in my life I hold my Mom accountable for, whether she deserves it or not. Sure she deserves to be deemed responsible for a lot of it, like shielding me from my biological father, leaving me with my Grandmas when I was little, marrying an alcoholic, ruining the relationship with my Grandma Harriett, loving Megan more than me, spending more time with Megan that she ever did with me, almost having an affair (or maybe it was... I still don't know if it counted)...

...and the list went on. I talked until I was exhasperated from all of the emotional release. Tears were flowing down my face faster than the lake water in the creek on the other side of the window.

He responded. If I had truly believed in what I had been told previously, God responded to me through him. Now, did he tell me what I wanted to hear? No, but what did I want to hear anyway? Did I expect that he'd give me some eye-opening solution to forever fix my relationship with my Mom? Maybe, but I should've known better. I don't know what I was looking for, but there was something about getting a response that just struck me. I don't know where or how it struck me, but it did.

This morning all of our sponsors were supposed to come. Well, my phone was not working (no reception) so I wasn't getting phone calls and was intermediately getting texts messages. Needless to say, it wasn't until all of the sponsors got there and Holmes wasn't one of them that I got the message saying he wasn't coming because his son ran away. It may sound silly or probably selfish, but I was really upset about this. I guess it's just that I was/am always getting disappointed by my family-family, that having that one person who just makes things... gosh, I don't even know what it is. He's like a father to me. The father I never had. The father I love to death and would do anything for, even though we drive each other absolutely nuts. Anyways, him not being there while everyone else was hugging there sponsors and going off to talk about their experiences almost made it feel like that kid in the movies who is the last one to be picked up from daycare, and watches every other parent come and hug their kid. You know what I'm talking about? I don't know, it probably sounds ridiculously selfish, but that's how it struck me. In the long run though, I think that I was able to use a lot more "me time" to think that I might not have had if he'd have been there, so that's a plus, right?

We had an assignment today before we left to write ourselves letters answering these questions that were on a worksheet, and the letters would be mailed to us in one year. I couldn't answer the questions, but I wrote three pages of what I question, what I doubt, and what I want. I also included the sheet that I was supposed to write answers on, blank, that way, one year from now when I hopefully have answers, I can fill it in.

I did start writing my essay for QuestBridge last night (well, I started it a while back, but I have a totally different perspective now), and it's about the journey to find faith. Off to write that now, actually, but I wanted to share my thoughts and feelings. I do feel a little better, I must admit.

I also talked to Father Joe about scheduling an appointment with him for me to talk to him. I want to know if I could still be accepted in the Catholic faith despite a few things. More to come on those revelations.

Okay, here I go. Thanks for listening.

V-Blog #4 - 3.13.09

2009-03-13T23:16:00.001-05:00

V-Blog #2 - 3.10.09

2009-03-10T20:32:00.001-05:00

V-Blog #1 - 3.9.09

2009-03-09T19:19:00.000-05:00

The Slow Process to Gain Some Perspective

2009-02-19T22:18:00.005-06:00

This is a reflection post. There have been things that have struck me about my situation and life in the past few days, and it's through these documents that I'm slowly putting some puzzle pieces together about grief, faith and life.

Like Lewis, I, too, kept a journal, continuing a habit started when I was eight. It is all right to wallow in one's journal; it is a way of getting rid of self-pity andd self-indulgence and self-centeredness. What we work out in our journals we don't take out on family and friends. I am grateful to Lewis for the honesty of his journal of grief, because it makes quite clear that the human being is allowed to grieve, that it is normal, it is right to grieve, and the Christian is not denied this natural response to loss. And Lewis asks questions that we all ask: where do those we love go when they die?
[...]
Perhaps for those who are convinced that only Christians of their own way of thinking are saved and will go to heaven, the old ideas are still adequate. But for most of us, who see a God of a much wider and greater love than that of the tribunal God who only cares for his own little group, more is needed. And that more is a leap of faith, an assurance that that which has been created with love is not going to be abandoned. Love does not create and then annihilate. But where Joy Davidman is now, or where my husband is, no priest, no minister, no theologian can put into the limited terms of the provable fact. "Don't talk to me about the consolations of religion," Lewis writes, "or I shall suspect that you do not understand.".

For the true consolations of religion are not rosy and cozy, but com-forting in the true meaning of that word: com-fort: with strength. Strength to go on living, and to trust that whatever Joy needs, or anyone we love who has died needs, is being taken care of by that Love which began it all."
-A Grief Observed - C.S. Lewis
(Excerpt from the introduction by Madeleine L'Engle)

It's okay for me to grieve about the one year loss of my Great Grandma Fran. It's okay for me to still be questioning why I'm still feeling like God took her from me (or us) when in reality, he gave her to us in the first place.

A teacher of mine put something about religion into perspective for me:

A man is a railroad worker, and his position requires him to move the tracks when a train is coming.

One day he brought his son to work with him, and while he is working, his son is playing on the train tracks over a bridge. Then the man realizes a train is coming. He has a decision to make: move the tracks and let a train-full of people die, or save the people at the cost of his son.

He saved a train-full of people that day, a decision relevant to that which God made to save us.

She told me and I just started crying. Think about the power in that. It's absolutely amazing.

Who Am I?

2009-01-07T11:44:00.002-06:00

Today was the first day back at school. Actually, it still is (I'm at lunch). In Newspaper, he had us write a 300-400 word activity to the prompt of "Who are you?" or "What makes you tick?" I chose the first, and this is what I wrote:

I am driven. If no other adjective did me adequate justice, it would be driven. Sure there are moments where I lack motivation on specific tasks, but when it comes to the bigger picture, I’m consumed. My tenacity and passion are derrived from that, too. I hold myself accountable to many flaws as well. Through my compulsive tendencies, I lose sight of the opportunities to teach others, and tend to take on the tasks as my own. As much as I hate to admit it (who likes to openly admit to their major flaws?), this is a downfall, but it’s one that I am working to change. That’s a flaw I have only recently owned up to, and feel I have to confess because knowing a person’s flaws is the best way to really get to know a person.

I love to write. In my opinion, it’s one of the best ways to release and convey emotion. I cannot for the life of me write concisely. Hell, I can barely even speak concisely. I use way too many words to say something that I could say in fewer. Sorry, Holmes, but it’s just me. Ironically, on websites that promt for “About Me” sections, I write: ‘I don't know if I could ever sum myself up in a sentence or paragraph, but if I tried I'm sure it would be full of run-on sentences.’

I am a sucker for the great inspirational quote; so therefore, I went browsing and came across a fantastic statement by Paavo Nurmi (a Finnish olympiad from the early 1900’s). “All that I am, I am because of my mind.” He said it better than I could (and in a lot less words). I could try and describe myself to you, but in reality, all that I am is in my mind; some of which I’m sure I’m unaware of.

'Cause You Had a Bad Day...

2008-12-16T19:52:00.004-06:00

Wow. Today was a bad day. I guess that the things that made it so bad wouldn't have been bad if they all hadn't have occured in the same day. Too much.

Recap the weekend:
-Friday night: Daniel and I talked and I thought everything was going to be okay. Go out to West County with Kate and get free food and relax.
-Saturday: ACT in the morning. Mall with John for a while, and he and I discuss how Daniel and I could make everything work. I get really sick for a few hours. Secret Santa party at Daniel's Aunt's at night. The car ride provides a continuation of the conversation about us, and then he breaks up with me. Hmm... guess I was wrong about things getting better.
-Sunday: Work.
-Monday: Ice day: off school. Go out to get coffee with John and Katy, and go over to the AP Physics study party at Megan's and end up "ice skating" down her driveway.
-Tuesday: School.

What made today suck so badly? Well, I don't take very nicely to people going off on teachers I love because they received an assignment they didn't want to do. So I got set off by a girl who went off on Holmes.... bigtime set off. Then I found out that my friend threw away her hard work in a fit of high school rebellionism. While giving out papers, I got forced into a very uncomfortable situation with a few people, where I was made into a joke, which I don't like. Then, after school I was walking to my meeting and Mrs. Baker stopped and asked if I was okay. Well, no... I had a bad day. Then she said, "What? Did you and that cute Daniel boy break up?" Umm... Yeah.... She flipped. She felt so bad, because she had been kidding. Then she made me come into her room and talk to her so she could tell me all this crap and yeah... loads of fun. Then, when I got home, I had a very bad fall-out with Rene. I was laying on the couch after getting really sick, and was in the midst of a coughing fit, and he said, "my interview went great today, thanks for asking." I snapped. "Yeah? That's great, Rene! Just freaking great! My final did too. So did my ACT. I put a paper out, did you know that? OH! And my boyfriend broke up with me. Let's top it off with me having a really bad cough and throwing up, but having six more finals so I can't miss school. But no. Let's talk about your God-damn interview!"

Funnnn stuff.

There's a song that's making me really happy to listen to though... Come on Get Higher by Matt Nathanson? Great song.

Time to get to work, when I'm not coughing, that is. My chest hurts sooo bad from coughing!!!!

Forgiveness

2008-12-03T21:34:00.004-06:00

"Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself."
-Ausonius

Completely, one hundred percent, relavant to the day I have had. A large portion of it requires me forgiving someone, but in my quest for forgiveness I managed to act horridly to a well-respected teacher of mine, for which I do not forgive myself for. It was irrational and wrong, and he didn't deserve it.

I hate days where occurrences bring out the fact that I'm sixteen. It's humiliating.

Currently Incapable of Creating a Headline

2008-11-30T22:19:00.004-06:00

"There is much to be said in favour of modern journalism. By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."
Oscar Wilde

I am so glad I got to escape for a little while today. Let's recap, shall we?

Wednesday: Stayed home from school, delt with drama with Mom and whatnot for a while before she got over it and we went to see Twilight. Somewhere in there I bought Christmas presents for Daniel and my Mom.
Thursday: Great Grandma, Grandma (Nanny), Mom and I. Four generations, three of which loathe one another. Just dandy. Use your imagination as to the mental anguish that was cast upon each of us that night.
"Oh, and Ashley, by the way, Aunt Kathy had a stroke and will be moving into an assisted living home."
Happy freaking Thanksgiving.
Friday: Shopping for Senior Dance dress, which was successful! Dinner at Grandpa's lake house. I got sick after dinner and fell asleep on the couch in front of the fire. Very relaxing. Woke up, ate pie, got sick, fell back asleep. Yipee Kiyay. Midnight deadline for the sport story I'm writing for Gazette.
Saturday: Eight hour shift, which turned into more of an eight and a half hour deal, all in drive thru. Must admit I had fun, even though I had to deal with some verbal sexual assaults -nothing I'm not capable of handling. Really needed to get out after work and had a decision to make. Ended up going home and then went to QT with some people and talked with a friend in need, though at the end of the conversation she said she wanted to kill herself. Great.
Sunday: Seven hour shift, followed by awkward crap with Daniel and then trying to figure out what I was going to do tonight, because I needed to leave. Ended up going out with John (Daniel's best friend and one of my closest friends as well) to St. Charles Main Street where we walked around in the sleet/snow and talked for an hour or so. Then we drove around for a while, got lost in the boonies looking for a park which ended up being closed, and then got a Frosty. We had some very interesting discussions, many of which took a lot of mental pressure off. Just what I needed. Now that I'm home, I'm revisitng the reality that this Honors Spanish III project is due tomorrow.

Now let's look ahead to next week, shall we?

Monday: Student council meeting after school, picked up by Nanny to go put up her Christmas tree and lights, as promised.
Tuesday: Newspaper until 5ish.
Wednesday: Forced to go home to babysit. B.S.
Thursday: Newspaper until 5:30; Blood drive around 6; RCIA from 7-9
Friday: Going out with Daniel for our 'two month'. Two months?! That's 1/6th of a year. Good heavens.
Saturday: Decorating for the Senior Dance from really early in the morning until whenever I go home to get ready. Then I'll be attending the dance, which should be fun. :)
Sunday: Work and a work day for the Newspaper from probably seven in the morning until one or two (or whenever I have to leave to go to work).

Should be an interesting week.
Alright, I can't bring myself to procrastinate any longer. I'm thinking that I'll get a portion of the project done now and then get a few hours of definite sleep so that I can wake up a few hours early and finish.

Oh, and talk about stressful! Daniel finds out tomorrow which college has accepted him through Questbridge. I'm really not sure how to be there for him through that tomorrow, but I do know that I would be rocking back and forth in a corner, compulsively hitting refresh on my e-mail, all day long. Yale is the big one. Fingers crossed for him.

Slipping Reigns?

2008-11-26T10:43:00.006-06:00

If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.
-Ben Franklin

I'm sort of disappointed with myself about the past few days, to be honest.

Okay, two nights ago was rough and I took a few hours to recoop, but from there I COULD'VE finished more than just my Newspaper midnight deadline, but I let myself rest. Then last night, I went to auditions, followed by Bread Co. with Emily and the Tri-M recital to be supportive for some good friends. I didn't have to do that to prevent from going home and finishing my Honors Spanish III project, studying for an AP US test, writing an English essay and doing... everything that I have for Newspaper. But when I did go home, what did I do? I tried working on my Spanish and fell asleep. Well, luckily I set my alarm for two a.m. just in case so I could wake up and work on it more. Slept through the alarm. Well, I'm on one heck of a scholarly roll.

Oh, the point of my story was that I'm upset with myself for needing to take a mental health day today because I'm not prepared for a test and don't have a project done (a project which I could VERY easily accomplish in an hour or two).

I don't know. It's not that I'm burnt out (this time, at least), because I've been working SO hard on Newspaper and am so happy with the fact that we're really far along, but I'm just letting things slip through my fingers. Time to grab those reigns a little tighter I think.

It Really is the Little Things in Life...

2008-11-25T00:25:00.004-06:00

"Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
-Benjamin Franklin

Have you ever had a day that was so promising to be positive, but something occurs that negates former optimism? It's aggravating, let me assure you. Have you also ever had just one simple comment totally shift your mood? I mean such a small utterance that the person who said it more than likely has no idea of how good it made you feel? I've experienced all of the above (in case, for whatever reason, you missed that point) today.

I couldn't possibly delve into the reason the day went haywire (that just has trouble written all over it), but I can replay the uplifting comment portion.

For a personal assignment for the newspaper, I'm writing a story on a subject that I felt would be complimented with the addition of Mr. Jameson's (my English teacher next year) comments. So I notice he's on Facebook (I dwelled there most of the night chatting with one of the editors - Emily - about our stories and such), so I had to say something. Mind you, I am very skilled in the art of putting my foot in my mouth. I'm actually advanced in that area of subject matter, unfortunately. So what do I say?

"Hey, Mr. J. This is Ashley Jost (Ms. D's sleep-deprived student). Semi-commonly known as Daniel's girlfriend. I had a few questions for you for a Gazette article..."

I couldn't believe I typed the middle sentence, because one person should NEVER quantify themselves based off of association like that, but after the night I had, there was evidently no filter telling me that wasn't something to say. His response?

"Or most commonly known as THE Ashley Jost..."

Simplistic in it's beauty, this sentence made my night. Just the idea that the fact that I live, eat, breathe ~~and sleep~~ school is being noticed by teachers I don't even have (yet) just makes me feel so incredibly accomplished and motivated.

So that's my story for the night. Oh, I made my midnight deadline for my band article. Yay. Here's the to-do list for the remainder of the night:

-Type up "What it Takes" and incorporate all three files onto one document
-E-mail questions to Dobrinic
-Formulate questions regarding girl's basketball, and e-mail them to Flemdog
-Start writing my new article and figure out where it's going in the paper....
-Finish Amanda's Truman U. essay introduction
-Honors Pre-Cal homework... should probably consider attempting it
-English essay
-Write at least three of the six necessary articles for my Honors Spanish III newspaper so that Carlos can proof for me
-Collapse.

Refreshing

2008-11-23T16:18:00.002-06:00

"Lead, follow,
or get out of the way."
-Thomas Paine

I think I might continue with this including a quote in my posts. I truly love looking for them, so why not, eh?

Anyways, I'm looking forward to going to Thanksgiving dinner tonight at Daniel's. He told me that his family is at a peak during dinners with amusing conversation and what have you. This thrills and excites me more than you could imagine. It's actually sort of sad that one of my first thoughts was, 'you mean no one leaves the room in tears and there is no arguing?' Blasphemy. This will be such a refreshing night.

Unfortunately I will have a bit of work to come home to, but I'm not too concerned (for now).

Goosebumps

2008-11-17T22:38:00.004-06:00

Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.
-Bertrand Russell

How great is that? Really? Nothing gets me more than a great inspirational or thought-provoking quote.

Okay, back to work with my band story that I'm loving (yes, I am enjoying a piece of my journalistic writing - it's about dang time!).

Eloquent Procrastination...

2008-11-17T00:11:00.003-06:00

I've found myself becoming slowly hooked on some new website that Katy and Amanda had me try called Tumblr... Check it out: http://workaholic1231.tumblr.com/

Other than that, I'm just stalling a little more last-minute homework. Well, technically I could put it off until tomorrow night, but I'd rather get some done now... Not sure why considering I'm dead tired from working sixteen hours this weekend.

Oh, and have I ever mentioned that I am truly inspired by almost everything that comes from Aristotle? Take this quote, for instance:

"The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet."

Brilliantly eloquent and inspirational!

Speaking of eloquent...
"I love you as the sun loves casting its rays upon the beauty of nature: a tranquil lake at dawn, an autumnal valley lit from within, or a ceaseless sea as it gloriously sets."

This text message gave me goosebumps and almost left me speechless (I say almost because I'm pretty sure it's impossible to actually leave me speechless; he might prove me wrong some day!).

Time for Personal Change

2008-11-13T22:08:00.002-06:00

For the past few weeks, I have been lacking motivation for a few things (one in particular) that have always been essentials to me. My main reference point here is the newspaper. It's time for that to change, I've decided.

I'm so prepared to take on all of my story assignments and blow everyone's minds with this issue. Bring it on. =)

Also, under the change category, I have changed the appearance of my blog here. Thoughts? Comments? I'd love to hear them, especially on the header which I Photoshop-treated myself.

Hugs to you all!

Eighty-Seven and Not Done Yet

2008-11-11T08:20:00.002-06:00

Today is my Grandma's birthday and I've got it all planned out to where she will really have a nice time tonight, hopefully.

At six thirty, Daniel, his mom and I are all going out to her retirement home with a cake that Kathy (his mom) made for her. Last night I bought two things of ice cream and some soda. We'll be having this in her apartment with my Grandma (her daugter) and maybe (though hopefully not) my Mom and sister.

I got her a cute little card and some flowers last night, as well. The only thing is that I really wanted to write her something. My original thought was a poem, but I just never got around to it. Then we started this narrative about a place that held significance to us and I thought I'd write it about her house and give that to her. That idea has really sparked, but I'm worried about time constraints, plus, I've started writing two small poems. I think I'll put a poem in her card and then give her the narrative.

Oh goodness, I'm rambling. I apologize. It's just that my Great Grandma means the WORLD to me, and I really want her 87th birthday to be a nice one, especially since I'm one of few family members that actually cares about her.

Maybe I'll brainstorm more of the poems, yes?

Through what we've endured,
The good and the bad,
We've always made the best
Of all that we had.

Your courage and wisdom
Are what I admire;
Quick as a cat,
Like a spark from a fire.

My love for you,
Unrequited it may be,
Is motivation to continue
Both crucial and key.

May your day be blessed,
One straight from heaven,
As you embark on the journey
of turning eighty-seven!

I added the last two stanzas just now. :)
I am deciding whether I will really use that or not. I will make tweaks throughout the day, because goodness knows she deserves the best I can offer her.

Yes, We Could, Did, and Can.

2008-11-05T07:56:00.006-06:00

Invigorating. That is what I felt last night while watching Obama's speech. It was brilliantly spoken, and oh so selfless. How amazing is it that he spent most of his time discussing the people's accomplishments, not his? I would say it's quite amazing, to say the least. Plus, the "yes, we can" speech... Goodness was that brilliant. Finally, a leader that this country needs and deserves.

Average is a Foreign Concept

2008-10-28T08:20:00.004-05:00

Never did I expect for me to fall for him as I have. Never.

Honestly, I've always thought of myself as a sort of brick wall to emotions like that for another person. I mean, the feelings I have for my own Mother probably aren't as strong as they should be. Daniel has changed this in me, and it's positively frightening.

Being sixteen and expressing your adoration for someone almost immediately places you in the stereotypical column of being a teenager. I hate this concept more than I could express, and I love expressions.

I feel -no, I know- that this is a level above teenage naive, heart-felt emotions. The average teenager is not like Daniel and I (thank God for that...). The average teenager doesn't know what it's like to hold aspirations so high that you refuse to let anything get in your way. The average teenager doesn't run on minimal sleep because they are involved in almost every extracurricular and have almost all AP or Honors classes, all in preparation for the bigger picture. We are not average teenagers, and I don't feel bad at all saying that. We share an understanding of one another that is unexplainable to someone who doesn't witness it. I have family that doesn't understand my drive, my exhaustedness, and my motives; he not only gets that, but he's the same way.

Were it not for the fact that I have a test to go study for, I would elaborate further. In reality, this post isn't intended to be informative for any readers about my life or relationship, but me trying to sort out my thoughts, for they've been caught up in such blissful thinking for so long that I really should try and organize them.

Burning Out Slowly, Just Like a Candle...

2008-10-15T00:26:00.001-05:00

Stolen from my latest LiveJournal post...

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to Ten Different People Right Now:
1. Simplistic concepts really just don't strike home to you, do they? For instance, civility... embrace it, please.
2. I really wish you had tighter reigns on the true reality of your ambitions, but I trust in you to pursue them whole-heartedly and strong.
3. I appreciate everything you've done for me so far, and I don't doubt that you will continue to be as I see you now, for the relationship I share with you is closer to the one I've been lacking at home than with any other person whose tried filling the position.
4. I miss talking politics with you so much. Actually, I miss talking to you in general...
5. Today you told me that you had a feeling I haven't been hearing the wonderful things you said to me as often as I deserved.... You make me feel like I deserve those kind words.
6. I love that we're on the same page with so many factors, whether that be literally speaking through the newspaper or figuratively.
7. You have put me on a pedestal, always telling me such nice things, yet you hold yourself to such a low standard. Don't let anything hold you down from feeling like the amazing person you are.
8. There's friendship and then there's sisterhood... The line has been crossed since first grade. I love you so much and I miss you.
9. Ignorrance does not suit you. You're an intelligent woman with a troubled past and a broken heart, but don't let that hold you back from making the most of the time you have left with those who love you: me.
10. Relish with the knowledge that you've successfully set the foundation for my world, but without you in it, I don't know how I will be capable of continuing.

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I have too many pent-up emotions, whether they be good or bad.
2. I am constantly questioning what effect the things I do will have on other people and situations...
3. I am growing from recent hardships, slowly but surely.
4. I am not over the death of my Great Grandma, and I doubt I ever will be.
5. I feel like I should be immune to my Mother and her hateful comments.
6. I feel like I'm not embracing the time I have left with my Grandma Harriett like I should be, but there aren't enough hours in the day.
7. I'm scared of what I'm currently feeling. Scared of how positive it is...
8. I have severe trust issues, and with good reasoning.
9. I am feeling very confident about things panning out how I hope with the plans I have set for certain situations.

Eight Ways to Win My Heart:
1. See the true passion and beauty in the most simple things.
2. Be intellectually-endowed.
3. Respect my priorities.
4. Respect me.
5. Wit... it will be necessary.
6. Share at least part of my dry sense of humor.
7. Articulacy is key.
8. Look me in the eyes and tell me what's bothering you.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. School
2. The future
3. College
4. Politics
5. Friends
6. Family
7. Journalism

Six Things I Do Before I Fall Asleep:
1. Set all of my alarms
2. Turn off my light (assuming I'm intentionally falling asleep...)
3. Turn on my fan
4. Brush my teeth
5. Retainer
6. Try to think of something positive

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. My Grandma
2. Shannon
3. Amanda
4. Mr. Holmes
5. Daniel

Four Things I'm Wearing Right Now:
1. Daniel's SMS hoodie
2. My tennis shirt
3. Nike sweatpants
4. A white headband

Three Songs I Listen to a Lot: [at the moment]
1. Fever - Michael Buble
2. Andy, You're a Star - The Killers
3. Back to Good - Matchbox Twenty

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. Obtain my aspirations of getting my degree from an Ivy League, practicing and then retiring to become a professor.
2. To make the kind of mark that others have made on me to another person.

One Confession:
1. I am more proud of the English essay I turned in tonight than anything else I've written all year.

Contentedness

2008-10-12T12:40:00.004-05:00

Content has not been part of my self-descriptive vocabulary for quite some time, but I'm thrilled to say that it is now. Sure things at home are still rather rough, and I am still finding myself constantly stressed about the workload that I take on, but above all, I'm happier now than I've been in a long, long time.

That thought vaguely crossed my mind last night when I came home after spending a few hours with a group of people with whom I had a lot of fun with. Now if I could just keep that in mind when I'm really stressed throughout the upcoming weeks with Newspaper and such.

Time for Change

2008-09-22T23:00:00.002-05:00

There are only a few people who truly know how rough of a year I've been having. To put it blunt, I went from having one Great Grandma in the hospital for one month, followed by two months in recovery only to have her move into a retirement home (which ripped my heart out). After that I lost my other Great Grandma in February. At some point in the January/February range, my stepdad, Rene, was incarcerated for drunk driving, which was the straw on my Mom's back with his drunken antics. In April, my Grandma lost her job with AT&T after 19 years and two months. In August, my stepdad lost his job, with my Mom only making minimum wage at 15 hours a week being all of our income. In September my beloved 13 year old dog, Princess, passed away. Obviously I've made my point... it's been a rough year. That all isn't even including a few other things (my Mom's minor affair that only I know about, the fact that my Stepdad will be getting divorce papers and we might have to move, etc...)

I've tried so hard to be there for my family, but our of four generations where two disdain one another, it's not exactly an easy task to be there for everyone at the same time. Not only that, but the weight was making me fall very quickly after a while.

I like to be involved at school. I play Varsity tennis, I am taking 3 honors/AP classes, I am an Editor for two school publications, I participate in over five extracurriculars, and I also have a job. As much as my academic schedule is prone to stressing me out, I had grown attached to the thought that it was just part of my remedy for escaping the life that I would come home to everyday.

After never, ever listening to what others said about embracing being young, regardless of my opposition of many teenage activities, I'm starting to learn that this embracement is almost necessary for my sanity. The past two weekends I have spent Saturday nights out until 12:30 in the morning with friends, not participating in the things that could reflect poorly on myself (as the situation presented itself two weeks ago), but truly enjoying just being out.

I am told that an obvious change is being made ever since I caved in two weeks ago to two of my friends requesting I go out, and I'm not only thankful to them for their encouragement, but to myself (not in a conceeded way) for taking that step towards doing something that seemed so impossible. I am finding that embracing what's left of my teen years doesn't mean that I have to revert back to how I acted in Middle School, but that I can make my own rules of what I will or won't do; what experiences I want under my belt and which I feel just aren't adequate.

I'm clocking out of the old Ashley, and clocking in to the new. It's time for change, and I'm embracing it with open arms.

2008-09-14T23:29:00.004-05:00

Oh my... There is so much to report on. Furthermore, there is a lot that I want to report on here, but not LiveJournal. The reason for that is that as far as I know there is no one actually reading this blog as opposed to my 209 friends on LJ. At the same time, this is public and I don't know whose hands it could fall into. Regardless, I'm going to say it anyways.

I think that for the first time in years (three maybe?) I like someone; and when I say like, I mean am smitten with. Yes, I just said smitten. Ironically, our love for the English language is one of our many shared interests. The others include little things like music genres and artist to major things like college choices and, the big one, the pursuit of Law.

We were in the gifted program in Elementary and Middle school together (though he's a year older than I am), so I've known him slightly for a while.

One of the things about him that makes me think we're exactly alike is that when he took the ACT on Saturday, he was just taking it to see if he could get an extra point (he's already sitting with a 33). Obviously he has his head securely on his shoulders, which is what I want. It's that standard that I look for that has kept me from dating anyone in the past three years. However, the curse may be lifted.

Okay, I want to say so more, but I've allowed myself enough stalling on the last bit of my homework tonight (who's excited to go finish some Honors Pre Cal?) and I have to greet the day extra early for a shower then morning meeting with Emily (Managing Editor) and Mr. Holmes (Adviser) around 6 a.m..

And the Journey Begins...

2008-09-12T22:30:00.002-05:00

Hello! My name is Ashley, and I am current a junior in high school, and a prospective University of Chicago student. I'm very multifaceted, as you will come to find, so I think that leaving that much of an impression of me is probably better... for now.

Blogspot is not a new concept to me. Unfortunately, I may or may not have a tendency to lose passwords to former blogs after I start new ones, and that was the case with my former Blogspot journal. I don't even remember what e-mail I had it under -how bad is that?

Anyways, I wanted to start this journal up, but since I barely have time to upkeep my real blog (www.workaholic1231.livejournal.com) I think it might be safer to copy/paste pieces of information that I'm comfortable having on this unlocked blog. Sound reasonable?

[+] I take the ACT tomorrow and I'm freaking out. However, I told myself that I should allow myself to relax long enough to post and do something else which brings me to my next topic...

[+] I have an A in AP U.S. History! I got a 70% on the first test (which is considered good since he takes questions straight off of old AP tests) and have done really good on other assignments, so I think my grade comes out to be around an 85%, which would be equivalent to an A since it's an Honors class. However, I want the real A so I get that extra GPA boost, but it's only midquater. :)

[+] I started my RCIA classes last Thursday (Becoming Catholic -or growing in the faith). I am starting to doubt myself and my faith, but I think that if I tried harder to alleviate this pressure that I'm just missing some concept that's right in front of my face, that I would feel better. I don't think it's going to be some palpable information that's lying just beyond my grasp -not that last part of a math equation that I spend hours studying for. I think it's more of a conceptual being that I just need to allow myself to let into my heart. Maybe I'm wrong; maybe I don't have any clue what it means to allow said being into my person, but I know that I shouldn't be feeling like I am doing something wrong, because I'm trying so hard to do everything right. Yet again, I could very well be wrong, but I'm taking a shot in the dark, feeling every inch of the wall until I find the switch.

[+] I need to collect my thoughts with all of my upcoming projects and their due dates. -two stories due Monday by midnight for Newspaper-3-5 page paper (partnered with Rachel) over a math concept due Oct. 3rd for Honors Pre-Cal-2 page paper -fictional story over a picture for Honors Spanish III due Sept. 26th-Book Review (start/finish book and do review) for AP US History by Oct 3rd-Test on Tuesday in Biology-Puritan Advertising Pamphlets due on Tuesday -Tennis shirt designs finalized; money due by Tuesday, turn in design to Ken by Wends.(?)-Get money (somehow) for class color shirts, pep club shirts, tennis shirts (and I'm the one designing them!!), Homecoming dress(?!?), and I'm forgetting something... I'm actually fairly level-headed at the moment, surprisingly. You wouldn't know it if you saw me right now though, because I'm compulsively shaking my leg in rhythm to this Bond song I'm listening to because of all of the caffeine in my system. That reminds me, did you know that you can buy a 2/$2 of mix-and-match caffeinated drinks at Walgreen's? They're generic brands but I could still get a Chai AND Mocha for $2. Caffeine is caffeine. I've been spending a lot of time with my friend Emily (she's a senior and my tennis partner, and her dad is a teacher right next-door to the Journalism room so I see him multiple times a day) and her dad. Mr. Daniels insisted on taking me home from school today with Emily, which I agreed to because I have no idea where my bus is after school, and we went and got ice cream, which was awesome. He said that since I was taking the ACT tomorrow and Emily had to hand her Miss Hazelwood throne down to someone else, that we both deserved it. Anyways, that was sort of the highlight of my day (reflect on the positive things, yes?).

Okay, I do believe that my musings for this evening have reached a close (or at least I need to make them do so for the sake of getting sleep tonight).